Sick Sick Sick......

Well for the past week and a half my little fun, easy going, little Camster has been a little under the weather. It started a few weeks ago with an ear infection, then last Wednesday we went into the Dr. for Cam's 9 month routine check, and found out that his ears were apparently still infected, so another round of antibiotics were prescribed. Then the very next day Cam developed a nasty runny nose and lots of congestion. This has happened before, and it stinks. It never goes the same way twice, and this time has been hard!! Cam didn't want to eat because he couldn't' breath, and well I was stressed because of his surgery that we had planned, but then we found out that he needed to be virus free for 3 good weeks prior to a surgery so no surgery for Cam....so then I was really stressed!!!

Cam continued to stay pretty sick throughout the weekend after last Wednesday so I took him to the Dr. on Saturday where he was hooked up with some steroids for his cough and an order to stay on the antibiotics. So after about four days and a trip to the ENT and pulmonologist the cough started to calm down. The ENT did say that he would probably need tubes but in reality she couldn't really even see his ear drum because his canals are so small, so she isn't sure why the pediatrician is so certain he has an ear infection because she knows they can't really see anything.....I kinda wonder that now too. Anyway, so she suggest we give him some allergy medicine along with Afrin for a couple of days. The allergy medicine we are still on but the afrin we are taking a break from so that we don't become dependent.

Well after one heck of a week with my sick little boy, he is finally started to make some forward progress. He is eating a little better, and smiling....a big thing for me, because when he doesn't smile it just isn't him and I can't stand it when he's not feeling well. He still has a pesky runny nose and a bit of a cough, but not as horrible and definitely not causing him as much distress. All I can say is I HATE SICKNESS!! It's bad enough our kiddos have to go through horrific surgeries and that they have to work hard to breath when they aren't pouring snot, but add a respiratory virus to the mix and it just causes so much unneeded stress, and quite frankly I don't think it's fair. But from what I hear these pesky colds get better as kiddos with Cam's syndrome get older, so I'm definitely looking forward to that :) For now I would just love some prayers for a healthy Cam so that we can start planning on this hand surgery so that we can get it over with and move on!!!

No new hands for Cam

So my beautiful, wonderful, sweet little Cam decided to catch a virus last week. How you ask? Well that is a good question, seeing as how I kept him detained in the house for the week befor not allowing anyone but family to visit and even then it was a germ panick with handwashing. But under some crazy circumstance he still managed to come down with a bug. A runny nose and cough. This translates to horribly congested and horrible sounding cough for Cam. So we started to panick....Oh no what about his upcoming surgery? So we asked the pediatrician to help us help Cam get well quick. He gave us some steroids for the cough and an antibiotic in case it was stemming from an ear infection. All this and we were still told yesterday by the pulmonologist that having a surgery so soon after getting a virus can cause some complications. Anastesia can cause something called reactive airway syndrome, and can cause him to display asthma like symptoms after surgery. This can result in not being able to come off the vent and a longer hospital stay. Ultimatley the choice is ours so what do we do?

Well after alot of praying and talking, we decided that although we were really looking foward to getting Cam some fingers in the next couple of weeks that we really can't risk sending him in if he is not at his best health wise. It would make us feel horrible if something happend and it just isn't worth risking that for our sweet boy. So we have decided to reschedule his hand operation in Boston. Hopefully they will be able to reschedule for sometime in July. We just ask that everyone prays that some operating time will come available and that when that time is set that Cam is ready and healthy to go!!!

So while yes it does stink that we are having to post pone surgery, we are also greatful that we have an incredible team of Dr's that are looking after the well being of our most precious boy. I just want all of these surgeries to be over...and not to have to worry about him staying well so that he can go to an operating room. That day will come and I have faith that this is for the best!

The longest and shortest 9 months of my life

Yesterday Cam was 9 months old. When I say out loud that he is 9 months old I think wow, where has the time gone? But then when I reflect on what the past 9 months has been for us, I can't help but wonder how it's only been 9 months ago that we started this journey. However, for me this journey started long before Cam actually got here. At 6 months along we found out about Cam's syndrome, and so in reality for me it's almost been a year since my life changed forever. I can remember those first few weeks after we found out like it was yesterday. I felt numb inside. Like the world was spinning so fast and at any moment it would stop and everything bad that I felt would just go away. I remember crying all the time, wishing that I could go back in time, do something different so that we didn't get pregnant. I was sure that having this baby would ruin my life. Would make me "THAT MOTHER" or we would be looked at as "THAT FAMILY." You know, the ones you always feel so sorry for and think how brave they must be and how hard it is to have a child with special needs. I couldn't stand the thought of that, and for a brief moment in my life I wished Cameron away. I wished I wasn't so far along so that an abortion would still be legal, I wished that it would ALL just go AWAY.

Now I sit mortified that I had those thoughts. I can't believe how selfish I felt in those moments. Selfish because I look at Cameron now and know he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is not my cross to bear, but he is what brought me to the cross. I knew God before Cam, or so I thought. I thought that I was a good person, someone people liked because I had a good head on my shoulders and concern for others. Someone that God loved because I went to church and did good things. But having Cam has made me realize I was none of those until he came along. I was those things out of selfishness...out of wanting recognition. Now, I am those things because everyday Cameron teaches me that I have been wrong all along. He has really made me realize just how precious life truly is, how that everything we are given we should cherish, and how life is so, so short. Do I have days where I still question God as to why my sweet boy has to have such a rough life....YES. Do I sometimes find myself green with envy over my friends whose babies are perfect and healthy....YES. And I even have days where I go back to feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my baby didn't have such intense medical issues. All things I pray in time will subside....and I know they will.

God gave me Cam a short yet long 9 months ago. With Cam he gave me FAITH, HOPE, and truly showed me what unconditional LOVE really means. I know that I'm better because of him, and I know that because of Cam I am able to be that person I used to think I was. In my heart I feel true compassion for other mothers of children with various medical issues. I empathize with those that have a child that is different, and I understand families of kids with special needs at a whole new level.

So in 9 months I feel like life has really taught me alot about really living. I feel like being a mother to Cameron is my most proud accomplishment. I know that God has great plans for my little boy, and everyday that I look at his beautiful face, I am ashamed of myself for those selfish feelings I had when I was pregnant with him. These past 9 months have been the best and worst of my life, and I am so grateful for every second of every one of them. So here is to the next 9 months....I pray that God brings only health and happiness to our family and that he continues to teach me the great reasons he has put the most amazing little boy into my life. I am so lucky that Cam chose me to be his mommy....HE IS MY MOST FAVORITE THING!!!