Ugh...saying that makes makes me want to throw up....7 days. It can't be possible that almost 8 weeks has gone by since we heard the news that Cameron was going to need this surgery. In 8 weeks he has made some amazing progress. He can crawl, and stand to pull up. He cruises around on the couch...not alot or very fast, but he does. He says mama, and now is starting to mimic the b sound. He was the cutes caterpillar ever for Halloween, and if it's possible, I love him more and more everyday. But in 7 days they are going to take my baby from my arms for his open heart surgery. Don't get me wrong...they will probably have to pry him from me, but however it happens, November 10th will be here before I will ever be ready, and right now I'm scared. I visited my OB yesterday to see if she thought some meds would help me with my anxiety. She gave me a prescription for adavan and cimbalta...yes that's right...a medicine for depression. Am I depressed? I asked my OB this in a way that implied I already knew the answer...so she just gave me the prescription and a hug. We have a great relationship, she and I. She saw me through the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy after finding out about Camerons syndrome and boy was I a hard patient to put up with...so on several occasions I came to my visits with her bearing gifts! She was amazing through my pregnancy and is still amazing when I go to her for this type of thing. I feel so ashamed. Asking for medicine to help with my issues....who does this? I mean before I had Cameron I had a pre conceived notion that people who took depression meds or pills for anxiety needed to man up and realize how to deal with it....NOW I want to apologize to all those who suffer from depression and anxiety because I realize how real it is....how completely real it is. But still it's such a humbling experience for me. I'm not this person. I am a happy, go with the flow, bubbly person....not this person that I have become. The sad, scared, anxious, depressed person I am is not who I was, and yet I feel so close to this person that I am now. It's a crazy battle between my mind and my heart.
I'm gonna do this. I'm going to go to Boston and I'm going to put a smile on my face for my child, and I'm going to beg and pray and plead. Then I'm going to do those three things some more, until I can't do any of them any longer. I'm going to pretend that I'm grateful for the time I've had with Cameron, and act like I have full confidence that everything is going to be just fine! But in reality, I'm selfish....I'm not grateful for the 14 months I've had with cam...I WANT MORE. I don't have full confidence that everything will be fine...in fact I'm scared to death...about everything. I do have confidence in the Dr's, I do....I am just so scared. But I will take my pills, and I will take Cameron to Boston, and I will do what I have to do. I will do it because I have to. I have to do it.
Yesterday I was feeding Cameron, and we were playing and he was just smiling away...I was telling him to say mamamamamam...and then he was laughing at me because I was dropping my head toward him and raising my voice really high....and in that moment...I realized I was crying. I had a stream of tears streaming down my face because I'm not ready to give him up...and even though this surgery isn't something that has been expressed to us as dangerous or anything like that... it's still heart surgery...It's surgery. And surgery, even though it's a huge part of our life is scary, and heart surgery is really, really scary. So when I wiped my tears and looked at Cameron, he was looking at me differently. Like he knew that something was wrong but because he is only 14 months he didn't have a reaction like an older child might...instead just a look. And in that moment I realized I needed to get it together. I needed to be strong for Cameron because he is strong for me. He endures these surgeries and comes out fighting and that helps me. So I need to be that for him. And I will.
So Monday evening we are leaving to make this trip to Boston. We are heading up North to get our baby boy the best care available and to make sure that he is where he needs to be. I will try to keep everyone updated on our progress and the events that happen via my blog, but please keep my little guy in your prayers and he fights through yet another battle. He is warrior Cameron, and he will be amazing!
