2 Weeks Away

Today is the two week mark. Surgery somehow keeps getting closer and closer. Funny how time works like that. I'm not really feeling anything yet. I have a little bit of anxiety if I let myself think too long about it, but for the most part I have been staying pretty busy with work, and other things, so that my mind doesn't take me where I don't want to go. I do find myself very bitter towards Paul. I think that is my way of dealing with fear. If I'm yelling, I'm not crying...sounds pretty rational right? I hate that Paul is so much braver than I am. I want so much to be stronger and not so emotional about all of this. I know he is scared, but he is also very brave. He is very positive, and doesn't really put up with my not-so-positive outlook. Instead I get the lecture of "We are going to Boston, they are the best, he is in the best possible hands, and he will be fine!" I need that lecture. So I'm blessed that he is the stronger one. On the outside I look strong too. So maybe I can convince my heart to let my outward appearance win, and then I could be strong on the inside as well!

It's going to be ok! Cam is going to be ok, and our family is going to get through this. We are a family that deals with surgery. We are a family that deals with alot of things most families couldn't imagine dealing with. We are "that" family. And I hate that sometimes. I hate it, and then I LOVE it. I hate it because when people label us "that" family...you know the one who others look at and say "wow, their life must be so hard, and poor them." I hate that. But I love that we can be "that" family because, we are just that....we have a uniqueness to us. We have a love that not many get to experience, because we have had to experience alot of non typical things. We have a child that breaks us down, and builds us up, and always makes us the proudest parents in the world. So when we are "that" family...I love the term....it's the other times when I don't.

So at two weeks out, I'm still ok. Cameron is hilarious. He is into everything. He is crawling, and pulling up to stand! He is what makes my heart swell with pride every time I look into his beautiful blue eyes(that he got from me!)I am filled with joy knowing that he is mine, and that he loves me back. I am filled with awe and admiration when I look at his precious body that is filled with scars knowing he will have more, but also knowing how amazing he is for having each and everyone of them! At two weeks out, I'm praying. Yes...I have started praying again. Maybe from fear...maybe because deep down I know that God loves us, and that he will ultimately take care of us, and that Cameron is one of his chosen. I'm not going to say that my prayers are whole hearted yet, but they are flowing. So your continued prayers are still much appreciated!! At two weeks out.......

Getting Closer

So It's exactly 3 weeks until Cam's heart surgery. Before surgery was a part of my life 3 weeks would have seemed like a long time. Now it feels like it's right around the corner, yet it can't come fast enough. I find myself at times in a sweat because I allow myself a second to think about what I'm getting ready to face, what Cam is getting ready to face. Usually the days aren't bad. I usually don't think about it. But on the off chance that it comes up, I find myself holding back tears. This is sad because if I'm doing this now and we are still 3 weeks out, I'm afraid of how I'll be as it gets even closer. I look at Cameron sometimes and think that I'll just postpone the surgery. It isn't an emergency, and if you didn't know something was wrong from me telling you then you would never know he had a heart issue just by looking at him. He is coming along so well! He started crawling, something I thought he would never do, just because I thought he would by pass that stage. He says mama, and it melts my heart. He claps his hands when we sing if you are happy and you know it. He cracks me up all day, and has a smile that fills me with pride to be his mommy.

So I think we will just run away...haha...no, just kidding! I know this has to happen. I know that it NEEDS to happen. I just can't bring my heart to agree with what my head is telling it. I have come to the realization that I can't change the things that Cameron has to go through. I can't change his needs to fit my wants. But sometimes I dream that it's that simple. And when I wake up and it becomes the terrifying reality that it is, I begin to feel weak and heartbroken. I know Camerons life is hard. But why? And I know I am supposed to just have faith that this is our ultimate journey together. But why? I promise I'm not always this pessimistic. In fact usually I have no other look on my face but a smile. Cameron deserves nothing less than to have a mother who doesn't mope around all day. But I swear to God sometimes that is all I want to do. I'd even like to send invites out...Hey everybody, come to my house for a pity party...good alcohol and plenty of whining and complaining going on! Not sure how the turnout would be, but at least I might have a couple of people celebrating in my misery!

I know, I know. God has a plan, and he will bring us through. Cam has a story to tell, and everything happens for a reason. I know! I'm not saying that I don't believe that everything is going to be ok...I do. I believe that Cameron is a warrior. He will get through this, and in turn get me through this. I believe that my life is a gift. That Cameron is a gift, and that Paul and I have been given this gift because we were chosen. I just get so damn angry that our gift keeps getting unwrapped....metaphorically of course. But in a sense that is how I feel. I feel like we get through one hurdle just to battle another. At some point my faith and beliefs are going to decrease, and then what. I'll just be a bitter, angry person with no faith and no hope? Well I hope that doesn't happen!! I hope that through this I become stronger...that is what is supposed to happen right? Right now I feel weak. Not stronger.

So as we are 3 weeks out this is how I feel. I assume some meds are going to be needed in my near future. I assume that I'll need alot of prayer, so I'll ask ahead of time. I pray, I do. But it's sad, my prayers. They typically consist of "God, please keep Cameron well until surgery, and please let everyone be prepared and let Cameron sail through this." Then I usually go on to question God and then it usually ends up with me apologizing and begging for him to just keep Cameron safe. Not really a prayer I'm proud of...but how it's going these days. So for all of you out there that feels a little closer to our savior if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers for Cam, that would be greatly appreciated. He is my life. Paul and I do feel so blessed to be his parents and anyone that knows him, knows why. So please just keep him in your thoughts as this time gets closer. Like I said before, he is a WARRIOR. He is Warrior Cam :)

DATE SET

So for the past 3 weeks or so I've been on hold with Boston. I had to have Brenner send all of Camerons information to them, and somwhere along the way it ended up taking forever before Boston finally recieved his echo and reports. But finally about two Friday's ago, a cardiologist from Boston called to talk to me about Cam. He was very kind and said that he agreed with the diagnosis from here, but felt that Cameron wouldn't be a candidate for the cath procedure because for his diagnosis they really don't have a cath procedure that has proved effective in completely treating it with one procedure. So the answer he gave us....dun dun dun....OPEN HEART SURGERY. Was I suprised? No. Cameron rarely takes the easiest route...he likes the trickier road. Was I dissappointed? Of course. I can't believe that my 14 month old will need heart surgery. It doesn't seem possible. or fair. Have I ever mentioned how crappy my kid has it? I can't say that I'm angry, because honestly I'm too sad to feel angry. I'm sad and scared. But I do have alot of faith in these Dr's in Boston. I have faith that even though i'm having a hard time understanding God's reasoning right now, that he has big plans for Cameron and so I am certain that his healing power will be with Cam. So the date has been set for November 10th. Seems so close yet my heart will skip beats until the day is finally here and over. Although I don't want to hand over my child for this surgery, since I know it has to happen, I want it done and over. I want to stop feeling so depressed, and I want to start enjoying life. Right now I publically put a smile on, but secretley I am screaming on the inside. What kind of wife and mother would I be if I just moped around my house all day? Or what kind of proffessional would I be if I went to work with a huge frown on my face? So I suck it up, and do what I have to do. I feel like I have no life. I have nothing to look forward to but surgery....and even though I cherish every single day I have with Cam, I can't help but want all of this behind me. The surgeries, the pain my sweet boy endures, and the constant heaviness i carry on my shoulders. I want it all gone! So NOVEMBER 10th!!! LET'S DO THIS!