Getting Closer

So It's exactly 3 weeks until Cam's heart surgery. Before surgery was a part of my life 3 weeks would have seemed like a long time. Now it feels like it's right around the corner, yet it can't come fast enough. I find myself at times in a sweat because I allow myself a second to think about what I'm getting ready to face, what Cam is getting ready to face. Usually the days aren't bad. I usually don't think about it. But on the off chance that it comes up, I find myself holding back tears. This is sad because if I'm doing this now and we are still 3 weeks out, I'm afraid of how I'll be as it gets even closer. I look at Cameron sometimes and think that I'll just postpone the surgery. It isn't an emergency, and if you didn't know something was wrong from me telling you then you would never know he had a heart issue just by looking at him. He is coming along so well! He started crawling, something I thought he would never do, just because I thought he would by pass that stage. He says mama, and it melts my heart. He claps his hands when we sing if you are happy and you know it. He cracks me up all day, and has a smile that fills me with pride to be his mommy.

So I think we will just run away...haha...no, just kidding! I know this has to happen. I know that it NEEDS to happen. I just can't bring my heart to agree with what my head is telling it. I have come to the realization that I can't change the things that Cameron has to go through. I can't change his needs to fit my wants. But sometimes I dream that it's that simple. And when I wake up and it becomes the terrifying reality that it is, I begin to feel weak and heartbroken. I know Camerons life is hard. But why? And I know I am supposed to just have faith that this is our ultimate journey together. But why? I promise I'm not always this pessimistic. In fact usually I have no other look on my face but a smile. Cameron deserves nothing less than to have a mother who doesn't mope around all day. But I swear to God sometimes that is all I want to do. I'd even like to send invites out...Hey everybody, come to my house for a pity party...good alcohol and plenty of whining and complaining going on! Not sure how the turnout would be, but at least I might have a couple of people celebrating in my misery!

I know, I know. God has a plan, and he will bring us through. Cam has a story to tell, and everything happens for a reason. I know! I'm not saying that I don't believe that everything is going to be ok...I do. I believe that Cameron is a warrior. He will get through this, and in turn get me through this. I believe that my life is a gift. That Cameron is a gift, and that Paul and I have been given this gift because we were chosen. I just get so damn angry that our gift keeps getting unwrapped....metaphorically of course. But in a sense that is how I feel. I feel like we get through one hurdle just to battle another. At some point my faith and beliefs are going to decrease, and then what. I'll just be a bitter, angry person with no faith and no hope? Well I hope that doesn't happen!! I hope that through this I become stronger...that is what is supposed to happen right? Right now I feel weak. Not stronger.

So as we are 3 weeks out this is how I feel. I assume some meds are going to be needed in my near future. I assume that I'll need alot of prayer, so I'll ask ahead of time. I pray, I do. But it's sad, my prayers. They typically consist of "God, please keep Cameron well until surgery, and please let everyone be prepared and let Cameron sail through this." Then I usually go on to question God and then it usually ends up with me apologizing and begging for him to just keep Cameron safe. Not really a prayer I'm proud of...but how it's going these days. So for all of you out there that feels a little closer to our savior if you wouldn't mind sending up some prayers for Cam, that would be greatly appreciated. He is my life. Paul and I do feel so blessed to be his parents and anyone that knows him, knows why. So please just keep him in your thoughts as this time gets closer. Like I said before, he is a WARRIOR. He is Warrior Cam :)