Today is the two week mark. Surgery somehow keeps getting closer and closer. Funny how time works like that. I'm not really feeling anything yet. I have a little bit of anxiety if I let myself think too long about it, but for the most part I have been staying pretty busy with work, and other things, so that my mind doesn't take me where I don't want to go. I do find myself very bitter towards Paul. I think that is my way of dealing with fear. If I'm yelling, I'm not crying...sounds pretty rational right? I hate that Paul is so much braver than I am. I want so much to be stronger and not so emotional about all of this. I know he is scared, but he is also very brave. He is very positive, and doesn't really put up with my not-so-positive outlook. Instead I get the lecture of "We are going to Boston, they are the best, he is in the best possible hands, and he will be fine!" I need that lecture. So I'm blessed that he is the stronger one. On the outside I look strong too. So maybe I can convince my heart to let my outward appearance win, and then I could be strong on the inside as well!
It's going to be ok! Cam is going to be ok, and our family is going to get through this. We are a family that deals with surgery. We are a family that deals with alot of things most families couldn't imagine dealing with. We are "that" family. And I hate that sometimes. I hate it, and then I LOVE it. I hate it because when people label us "that" family...you know the one who others look at and say "wow, their life must be so hard, and poor them." I hate that. But I love that we can be "that" family because, we are just that....we have a uniqueness to us. We have a love that not many get to experience, because we have had to experience alot of non typical things. We have a child that breaks us down, and builds us up, and always makes us the proudest parents in the world. So when we are "that" family...I love the term....it's the other times when I don't.
So at two weeks out, I'm still ok. Cameron is hilarious. He is into everything. He is crawling, and pulling up to stand! He is what makes my heart swell with pride every time I look into his beautiful blue eyes(that he got from me!)I am filled with joy knowing that he is mine, and that he loves me back. I am filled with awe and admiration when I look at his precious body that is filled with scars knowing he will have more, but also knowing how amazing he is for having each and everyone of them! At two weeks out, I'm praying. Yes...I have started praying again. Maybe from fear...maybe because deep down I know that God loves us, and that he will ultimately take care of us, and that Cameron is one of his chosen. I'm not going to say that my prayers are whole hearted yet, but they are flowing. So your continued prayers are still much appreciated!! At two weeks out.......
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