Well it's almost time to head to Boston. Next Wednesday night we will pack up and head to Charlotte, where we will stay the night so that we can catch our 7:30 am flight up north! Then Friday we will spend the day doing all the fun pre-op appointments that precede surgery that will take place on Monday the 14th. I have alot of emotions streaming right now. Honestly, I'm grateful that this surgery is going to be behind us in less than two weeks, but at the same time I'm so anxious about handing my sweet boy over for yet another surgery. He has no idea that this is coming, and when he comes out of anesthesia, he will be so angry about not having access to his hands, and even though he will forgive me later on, in that very moment he will be mad at me, because I'm his mommy. I'm the one that is supposed to make his boo boo's all better, the one who is supposed to fix whatever isn't right. But for 3-4 weeks, he will be forced to wear these huge casts and he will have no idea why, and so he will only by default blame me. It's ok though. If I could go through this surgery for him....I would do it in a heartbeat, but since I can't, if the only thing I can do is be the one he blames, then I'll take it. I just wish there was a way to explain to toddlers that it will only be for a little while and that they knew what that meant.
I know that God takes special care of kiddos like Cam. He gives them a little something extra that makes them super strong and brave. I know that he also gives us mommies a little something extra too, because in my wildest dreams I wouldn't be strong enough to handle this. I wouldn't be able to hand my child over for surgery after surgery. I wouldn't be able to cope with the sadness that his journey sometimes brings. But sitting here 20 months and 8 surgeries later, I can tell you that it definitely isn't me. So I have no other explanation other than God. Although at times I get angry with him, and at times I question his plan, I know he is there, and that he is with Cameron, protecting him, and protecting my heart. It's always a battle with me when it's surgery time, on whether or not I'm going to decide that God isn't as loving as I once thought....because I become angry that our family has to go through this, that Cameron has to endure so much. But then we get to the surgery day, they take him away, I pray for hours until he returns, and then I get on my knees and I praise Jesus for getting my child through yet another procedure. I tell him that I love him and that I'm grateful for life, for Cam, for everything. I tell him I'm sorry I ever doubted his faithfulness. So now I pray a little differently. I pray that God will help me have strength to know that he is with Cam. To have faith that he is going to bring us through this, and know that he is our provider. I throw in a couple of prayers to make Cam strong and brave, and to bring him through the surgery safe and happy. But I know that it's important to not doubt so much, but to believe. Believe that God is with us always, and that Cameron's life is his, and he is going to prosper and love him, just as Paul and I do. So not only has Cameron taught me about the most important things in life, he has taught me that I wasn't as connected with God as I needed to be, and through this experience I am now growing. A long way to go, but on the way for sure!
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