Finding JOY

I'm grateful to be writing this post on the other side of heart surgery. A little over 3 months on the other side to be exact. Cameron is doing great! He is back in school, he is running, playing, being his silly, fun self. I can pick him up underneath his arms again, and if he falls or takes a hit to the chest by some random flying toy I don't shriek in horror! Of course he still has to be careful, but he isn't on any precautions anymore and his incision and chest have healed! It's incredible. His resiliency. His bravery. His will.

I'm still traumatized. Not in a way that is noticeable, and sometimes I even forget myself. But in true post traumatic form...this nasty monster comes out of hiding just to remind me of my weakness. I catch myself paralyzed in fear for no reason. I'll be completely fine, having a completely normal, functional, typical day, and then BAM.....just like that I'm struggling to find air. I am panicky and sad. I hide it exceptionally well. I keep it to myself mostly. I find a way to cope and I move on. But for those brief moments I am reminded that I cannot escape this hold that has been placed on me. The fear I push deep down and try to forget about. The fear that reminds me that Cameron is fragile. That life is fragile. That I'm fragile.

I think this is par for the course. A course that seemingly has no end in sight, because my sweet boy has so many surgeries ahead of him. That's okay. We will be okay. I have struggled this last year to find Joy and it has been a choice I have had to make on a daily basis, but I choose to make it. To see JOY. To have JOY. I know how blessed I am and how beautiful this life is, and even though some things have seemed really difficult and sad over the past year, I have realized that even in the midst of all that, life has been good to me. I may not have seen it at the time. I may not have even been open to seeing it. But life has been good. I have my beautiful family. I have a job that I'm thankful for everyday, and I have friends that make me laugh until I pee(those are the best kind, ya'll) So it's good.

Cameron is good! We are battling the wonderful array of spring allergies, but for the most part he is doing well. Max is great too. They are both learning and growing so much that I really have to beg time to slow down sometimes because it just seems like I'm missing it....but I think that can be said for all of parenting! Cameron's speech is developing so wonderfully, and he really has taken off in his vocabulary. He loves to keep up with Max, who talks NONSTOP, so I really think that has helped so much!!

For all of you that continue to pray for our family and for Cam...THANK YOU! It means so much to us, and we are truly grateful! I told myself I would update this more than every other month...but I'm not doing a great job on following through with that! Something I will have to work harder to do!

Again, thanks for all your love and support! We appreciate you taking the time to read our updates!

Love,
P, J, C, and M