Bag of Emotions

Well today I spoke with the insurance company and got everything figured out for Cam's upcoming hand surgery. But as I was talking to the lady on the phone about the procedure, and how long we would be spending in the hospital I caught myself speaking to her like this was the most routine thing. Like taking my kid to have a major surgery was something that was just part of our lives and like it was no big deal.....but then it hit me....this is a big deal. So of course comes the waterfall. But after I cried for a moment, not really understanding why I was so upset, I started thinking I know why I'm upset. I'm upset because surgery is a major part of my life. Since I was 24 weeks pregnant surgery has just been something that is a part of my daily vocabulary...and it sucks!!

When Cameron was born we thought we would be surgery free until that first major head surgery....but to our dismay he would have three pretty major surgeries before he even got to the big head one.....and now that the time is getting closer for his hand surgery I can't help but feel overwhelmed again with everything that my sweet little boy has to go through. Usually I do really well. I try to see the optimistic side to things, and with a precious easy going baby like Cam, he makes it easy for me to be happy most of the time. But then those darn depressing emotions slip up on me and I have to face them for a bit, then move on. I've become really good at playing the part of a mother who deals really well with a child that has pretty intense needs. Sometimes I am even able to convince myself that I'm that person, but then it hits me....like a ton of bricks...on days like today, when I find myself being so nonchalant about my child's upcoming hand surgery. A surgery that will yet again alter his physical appearance, and change my little boy, I know for the better, but it's still change, and a change that has to happen under a knife.

Cameron gets me through these surgeries. He has so far recovered really well from surgery, and that makes it a little easier for me. I know I sound super selfish talking about how it's easier for me, when it's not me going under to have my fingers separated, or my skull worked on, but honestly I feel that we as parents with kids that go through these things are the ones that suffer. We watch our child be taken away by people that are going to cut them open, then we watch them come out of recovery bandaged and crying, unaware of why they are in pain, and then we watch them try to heal, and sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't. But either way, they don't remember. But the parents, we remember it all....and it doesn't get any easier handing them off for the next procedure.

So today, as I spoke with the lady about my child's upcoming hand surgery I had a tiny meltdown, but like all other meltdowns I recover and get on with the next task. But days like today are my least favorite. So it's my prayer that I start having less and less days like today, and I'm sure that with time, and not scheduling a surgery for my child every two months, I'll be able to replace those days!! But the good thing is that if I need a little pick me up all I have to do is watch the most beautiful boy in the world play with his toys and laugh at me, and everything gets better :)