Yesterday Cam was 9 months old. When I say out loud that he is 9 months old I think wow, where has the time gone? But then when I reflect on what the past 9 months has been for us, I can't help but wonder how it's only been 9 months ago that we started this journey. However, for me this journey started long before Cam actually got here. At 6 months along we found out about Cam's syndrome, and so in reality for me it's almost been a year since my life changed forever. I can remember those first few weeks after we found out like it was yesterday. I felt numb inside. Like the world was spinning so fast and at any moment it would stop and everything bad that I felt would just go away. I remember crying all the time, wishing that I could go back in time, do something different so that we didn't get pregnant. I was sure that having this baby would ruin my life. Would make me "THAT MOTHER" or we would be looked at as "THAT FAMILY." You know, the ones you always feel so sorry for and think how brave they must be and how hard it is to have a child with special needs. I couldn't stand the thought of that, and for a brief moment in my life I wished Cameron away. I wished I wasn't so far along so that an abortion would still be legal, I wished that it would ALL just go AWAY.
Now I sit mortified that I had those thoughts. I can't believe how selfish I felt in those moments. Selfish because I look at Cameron now and know he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is not my cross to bear, but he is what brought me to the cross. I knew God before Cam, or so I thought. I thought that I was a good person, someone people liked because I had a good head on my shoulders and concern for others. Someone that God loved because I went to church and did good things. But having Cam has made me realize I was none of those until he came along. I was those things out of selfishness...out of wanting recognition. Now, I am those things because everyday Cameron teaches me that I have been wrong all along. He has really made me realize just how precious life truly is, how that everything we are given we should cherish, and how life is so, so short. Do I have days where I still question God as to why my sweet boy has to have such a rough life....YES. Do I sometimes find myself green with envy over my friends whose babies are perfect and healthy....YES. And I even have days where I go back to feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my baby didn't have such intense medical issues. All things I pray in time will subside....and I know they will.
God gave me Cam a short yet long 9 months ago. With Cam he gave me FAITH, HOPE, and truly showed me what unconditional LOVE really means. I know that I'm better because of him, and I know that because of Cam I am able to be that person I used to think I was. In my heart I feel true compassion for other mothers of children with various medical issues. I empathize with those that have a child that is different, and I understand families of kids with special needs at a whole new level.
So in 9 months I feel like life has really taught me alot about really living. I feel like being a mother to Cameron is my most proud accomplishment. I know that God has great plans for my little boy, and everyday that I look at his beautiful face, I am ashamed of myself for those selfish feelings I had when I was pregnant with him. These past 9 months have been the best and worst of my life, and I am so grateful for every second of every one of them. So here is to the next 9 months....I pray that God brings only health and happiness to our family and that he continues to teach me the great reasons he has put the most amazing little boy into my life. I am so lucky that Cam chose me to be his mommy....HE IS MY MOST FAVORITE THING!!!
Hi, this is Faith's grandma. Please do cherish every second with your baby because we wish we had one more minute with Faith. I wish they would have been able to meet and become friends, just like they were NICU buddies. And don't feel guilty because you feel jealous of "perfect" babies. I always heard, "God gives special children to special familes". So we all must be doing something right. I always wished we could know what it was like to have Faith home, but I guess God wanted her more. And everything that we all went through in the NICU, no body will ever know what that is like unless they have lived it. And I pray that no one will have to. Keep that beautiful baby always loved, I know you will.
ReplyDeleteSusan aka Faith's grandma