Fighting with God

So today I have had a few choice words with my creator. I took Cameron to a routine Echo today for his silly heart issue. He gets an echo every 6 months to make sure it stays stable. He technically wasn't due for this echo until October, but since we had his hand surgery coming up at the end of the month we wanted to get it over with before he was all casted up and uncomfortable. Anyway, this morning we drove to the outpatient cardiology clinic, had his echo, waited for about 20 mins in the room for the Dr...thinking I would be going home and still somewhat stress free about his heart issue.....NOT THE CASE!! Cameron has something called Sub-aortic Stenosis. It's where a part of the artery under the mitral valve becomes thick and it causes a narrowing in the space where blood flows from the right side of the heart to the left. In aortic stenosis this narrowing causes decreased blood flow. Sometimes it's very minor and only requires monitoring for at least a few years, and then is corrected with surgery when it gets to a certain point. Cam has reached that point. I was told at his last echo to plan on this coming somewhere between two and three.....NOT NOW.

Honestly I feel numb. When the Dr. told me that it was worse and he would need to have surgery within the next couple of months, I cried....but then I became numb. It was like I was on auto pilot. I got the information I needed, and left. I realized I was upset when I ended up in Charlotte, simply because I just started driving in the wrong direction and didn't stop until I realized it was going to be a really really long ride home if Cam wakes up and wants to eat. I got home, I called Paul, I called my parents, then I sat down and had one of the most volatile conversations with God that I can remember. I questioned, I yelled, I said bad words, and I told God he was making it really hard for me to love him. And that is how I feel right now. I feel like God is forsaking me, and even though my mind knows that he is all loving and the ultimate healer, my heart says that my most precious baby is having to go through too much and it needs to stop.

So for now Cam's hand surgery has been cancelled yet again. We will hopefully be scheduling this heart surgery for some time in the near future, and my faith is wearing extremely thin. I feel like I keep lecturing myself about God's mighty power, and how this is all a part of his wonderful, beautiful plan. Well right now his beautiful, wonderful plan is looking pretty SHITTY!!!! I feel like God keeps letting me down...like seriously what do I have to do to prove that I'm in this...You gave me Cam...I embraced him...I have even learned from this experience about unconditional love....TRUE LOVE.....then you throw some curve balls in their...extra bonuses....couple of extra surgeries...and illnesses.....I still follow you...I pray to you, and trust in your ultimate all knowing greatness....and in turn...This....another horrible thing. When does it end? When I no longer have any faith? I know things could be worse...I know others suffer much more sadness, much more pain. But now that it has been happening to us, I'm not sure why it's still considered part of God's plan. I'm just confused. Scared and confused, and angry.

Please say an extra prayer for our sweet Cam. Pray for his precious heart, and if you don't mind throw a couple extra ones in their for me because I'm having a hard time praying right now.