Step 2: Acceptance

Hahahah....yea right, I'm pretty sure step 2 is not acceptance...but I don't think I am consistent enough to go through all 12 steps...or however many there are! I titled this post acceptance because I think that is where I am right now. I think that after the heartbreaking news I received last week about Cam's heart that I was in such pain and anger that I would have called that step, THE I HATE EVERYTHING STEP. I pretty much did. I hated that God kept piling on more and more, I hated everyone that didn't know how I felt, I hated myself for hating everyone. I felt alone, and scared, and did I mention alone? I still feel alot of those feelings, but now I am able to deal with them a little more appropriately. Last week if I saw a commercial that might have contained a small sad moment I was in tears. Usually not the way I handle things. Crying is not really my way. But last week I'm pretty sure I could have filled the bathtub with my sobbing.

This week I'm still angry, still confused, and still very scared. However, I'm also able to look beyond and see that this is just another step in Camerons journey. Another hump that we will have to overcome. I hate that he is the one actually having to go through this process, but we are his support, and I need to be that for him. If I'm always wailing "why me?" then I won't make for a very good support. He needs me to be strong and brave. He needs me to be there and hold his hand and smile when he can't. He needs me to sing to him, so that he knows I'm there, and if I'm off in the corner somewhere crying and cowarding away then how can I be what he needs me to be? So right now I am accepting that Cameron is just that....Cameron. He comes with alot of different needs, and is quite the complicated child. But he is my child and so I owe him everything he needs.

This stupid heart surgery scares me to death. It scares me the most because I don't like the idea of them actually stopping his heart. Even though it's for a brief period, when they work on someones heart they use a bypass machine so they can stop the heart and so that it is still while they repair whatever it is they are repairing. I don't like that. It also scares me because this isn't part of the deal. Cameron has Apert Syndrome. He needed head surgery, hand surgery, foot surgery. NOT HEART SURGERY. I don't think one should have to have EVERYTHING on their child surgically altered. So far the only part of Cam's body that will possibly be spared of surgical intervention will be his elbow. I'M NOT EXAGGERATING. This seems too much. Too much for one small, precious child. So yes I'm scared. VERY, VERY SCARED. The good thing is .....Cam is not scared. Nope. Instead he is beautiful, sweet, and has no clue that once again he will have a major surgery to repair he most precious heart. But then he will wake up, and that is when he will need me. He will need me to tell him how strong and brave he is. He will need me to rub his little arm and his Rosy little cheeks. He will need me to accept that this is his journey and this is just how it is.

So I accept. I accept this life that God has chosen for us. I accept that Cameron is going to send me to an early grave from worrying so much. I accept that alot of my life is going to be spent making sure that when he comes out of surgery that I'm there being his mommy, and singing his favorite songs. I accept. I'm not sure that this will always be how I feel. I'm sure that my heart can only "accept" so much. But for this moment....for this surgery....for Cameron, and for my sanity I'm trying to accept that this is our life. This is our most beautiful, wonderful, and crazy life. I ACCEPT!