Hearing that there is something wrong with your unborn baby is one of the hardest things I think that a pregnant woman can go through. For me it was this intense feelng of hurt, and dissappointment. For weeks I struggled to smile. I didn't know if I even wanted to have him anymore. I know that sounds awful. And even now as I'm writing, I think how awful people must think I am. But if i'm being honest, I felt very certain that I would rather just have a miscarriage, than to have a baby with a disability.
I cried all the time, and it was really hard for me to interact with other friends that were pregnant as well, without hating them. I hated them for having happy pregnancies and having perfect babies. I lost sight of God, and really questioned how there could be a God that loved us so much, yet could cause us to feel such heartache. I could go on and on about how depressed I felt the weeks following the news about Cameron....but I won't.
I won't because i'm ashamed. Because now that Cameron is here, looking back I can't believe I even had the thought that I didn't want him. He has brought us so much joy, and even through all the pain and stuggles, our little Cameron is the happiest, most pleasant baby i've ever met. His smile is the best thing in the world, and he is my most favorite thing! I love that little boy so much, and I hate thinking back to all the emotions I let myself feel while he was still in my belly. But that was then and this is now....and Now We feel so BLESSED!
I cried all the time, and it was really hard for me to interact with other friends that were pregnant as well, without hating them. I hated them for having happy pregnancies and having perfect babies. I lost sight of God, and really questioned how there could be a God that loved us so much, yet could cause us to feel such heartache. I could go on and on about how depressed I felt the weeks following the news about Cameron....but I won't.
I won't because i'm ashamed. Because now that Cameron is here, looking back I can't believe I even had the thought that I didn't want him. He has brought us so much joy, and even through all the pain and stuggles, our little Cameron is the happiest, most pleasant baby i've ever met. His smile is the best thing in the world, and he is my most favorite thing! I love that little boy so much, and I hate thinking back to all the emotions I let myself feel while he was still in my belly. But that was then and this is now....and Now We feel so BLESSED!
Hey Jessica! This is Caitlin! I'm really glad you started this blog so we can keep up with you. I just wanted to let you know that I don't think you're a terrible person for having some negative feelings about your pregnancy. I think that most people would rethink having a child they thought would have serious disabilities. The difference between you and most people is that you are brave and honest enough to admit it. I'm glad things are working out for Cam and I know things are just going to get better. =)
ReplyDeleteI don't know how you got through knowing before his birth. I am so glad I didn't know. I had it all the day of her birth. How did this happen to us.. to me.. to her. Why would God allow a sweet little baby to endure so much pain and suffering? I was so scared to even bond with her..for the first Month I treated her like a doll until I met an 8 year old with Apert and realized my baby would be fine.. normal on the inside. Now at 6-1/2 years I realize that God gave me a piece of Heaven to have here on earth each and every day. Like Cam and most other's with Apert or similar syndromes.. have a lust for life like no other. And a constant smile despite all they have gone through.
ReplyDeleteI thank God for her everyday and no longer doubt him.
I thank GOD, that they didnt do all this ultrasound stuff before Penny was born,and with 2 normal pregnancies, there was no reason to suspect anything. She was a week late and weighed 9lbs,4oz. you cannot believe the things we have been through.There is so much knowledge and awareness of Aperts,and people to share it with,,you have a vast awray of commradarie. We felt all alone,,and then her father walked out. Thank GOD for a real man who will support you.We have only had our immediate family, and most of all Jesus!!! what more did we need though. He has manifest himself to us too many way to count them all./we are always here for you.
ReplyDelete